I'm Aura (arr-ah)

Trapped in the life I always wanted

I am trapped in the life I dreamed of.

Found myself looking for the edge of the glass that keeps me trapped in this life.

The life I always wanted.

The air might feel better if I climb high enough. Maybe I might feel better if I climb high enough over the edge of the glass that keeps me trapped in this life.

The life I always wanted.

It looks good from the other side, this life I always wanted. If only I could go there to see what they see. It might look just as good to me.

Then maybe I could remember why this was the life I always wanted.

A year in review

This year was hard. It started hard and it ended hard. There are plenty of great moments sprinkled throughout this year, but the category was survival and all the ways to do it.

It’s always so interesting to see how we compartmentalize time. A new year, a new month, a new day. It gives us all a chance to try again. But every moment really just flows into the next. I read a quote that said something along the lines of “there are only two times where nothing can be done-yesterday and tomorrow”. Today is the only time you can do something about something. Does that quote give me some life-changing epiphany to live in the moment? No. I do a lot of looking back and looking forward. My todays always seem like a blur.

This year felt like walking through a dark forest in the fog. I’m scared, I’m tired, and I don’t know where the fuck I’m going. There are so many things I wish I did better. This thought process always shoots me towards the future. Most nights I lie awake creating a game plan of what I can do the next day to make my life better. So in the between times, I can’t really remember if I soaked a moment in or not. I guess that means I’m not present? That’s unfortunate.

But if I lie here and think hard about when I’m most present my kids are in front of me. I’m cuddling on the couch with my husband. A lot of my very vivid moments are the difficult ones. The ones where my eyes are closed and tears are spilling out as I take a deep breath. I did A LOT of that. I did a lot of withholding just how deeply sad I’ve been. But I also did a lot of connecting with people I love. Despite my general withholding, some people really came to save me this year. It’s really important to have people that are willing to physically remove you from a hole of despair just so they can hold you in their arms. I’m happy to say I have those people. It’s very dirty work, but they do it. And I love them for it.

As I’m typing this I’m still on edge. I’m still in the grips of deep stress. The new year doesn’t feel like a clean slate, it feels like a Monday where I have to wake up and do all this shit over again. I don’t feel any wiser after experiencing this year, and I don’t know what I should be doing to make things better. But there isn’t anything I can do about any of it now that it has passed. Maybe when I wake up later today I’ll do something about it.

One more time. Happy new year.

Two years old

The moment they confirmed you had some developmental delays I used this age as a benchmark. It seemed far enough away to get you where you “needed” to be. I thought by this time I’d have a better understanding of what you need. Maybe you’d even be talking by two. But it’s here now and things just feel harder. I feel less equipped to give you the things you need. I know a little more, but I still don’t have answers.

You want more and you are exercising your ability to choose. You have your own way of communicating your wants and needs. You can cry for hours in protest of whatever you don’t want to do. Some days are worse than others. When nothing makes you happy I crumble.

On your good days you are incredible. You’re adventurous but cautious. You are so physically affectionate. Your laugh is infectious but it’s such a secret because many people don’t have the privilege of seeing you that comfortable. You are curious about the world around you and nothing makes you happier than wide open spaces. I’d buy you a ranch with acres of open land with plenty of things to climb if I knew that’s all you needed to be happy. Your good days are my favorite. Mommy is just trying to learn how to give you more of them.

This last year has been one of the hardest I’ve gone through as a mother. I am here still trying my hardest to give you what you need. I feel guilty because I’m not giving anyone else in the house the same energy. But I cannot let go of this pursuit of your happiness. I just want you to be okay.

I love you with everything I am.

I love you with everything I am. We will figure this shit out. All I want is for you to be happy.

Help me help you

My mental well being is futile at best these days and I can’t even make it to my own therapy sessions. I cried because I missed it for the 2nd (or was it third..?) time in a row simply because I forgot. But I have it in my calendar and I have an alarm for it.

Depression is a really sneaky beast. The waxing and waning of my mood is not a wave I enjoy riding. When I do feel like I’m in a good place the clouds come through slowlyyyy and I just watch as my world goes from a light blue to black.

Lately I haven’t felt like my good days have been as good as they can be. Lately my baseline is just surviving the day. I don’t know what I need to get out of this hole. I have an idea of what needs to happen but the option is just not within my reach. It makes me sad that I have gotten this low.

I read back on previous posts (private and public) and the mental decline was slow but I can see it. I was scared of losing myself and I think that I did. My therapist is helping me find her, but I might have to create a new me. Right now I don’t feel willing.

I CANNOT miss this next session next week.